Symptoms aren’t normal, something to get used to, something that you just need to accept. They’re a warning sign, a sign of dis-ease. Left unchecked, they impact every experience that’s meant to be filled with joy. Often, these symptoms which can be physical, mental and emotional, are tied to one of the most painful of the human experiences…betrayal.

Low energy, sleep issues, extreme fatigue, weight changes, digestive issues .

Overwhelm, an inability to focus or concentrate, confusion, a feeling of shock or disbelief. Sadness, anger, rage, depression, discouragement, stress and/or heartbreak. These are just some of the most common symptoms left in the wake of an unhealed betrayal.

In fact, there’s a collection of symptoms so common to betrayal it’s become known as Post Betrayal Syndrome®. And it’s not just the big betrayals either. It’s the “micro-betrayals,” the self-betrayals and the “it’s no big deal” betrayals.

Here are some startling statistics from people who’ve taken the Post Betrayal Syndrome quiz. https://pbtinstitute.com/quiz/ 

78% constantly revisit their experience

81% feel a loss of personal power

80% are hyper-vigilant

94% deal with painful triggers

63% have extreme fatigue

84% have an inability to trust

I could go on and on. So think about it. With an unhealed betrayal, you’re likely to be constantly revisiting your experience, feeling a loss of personal power, hyper-vigilant (which is keeping your stress response highly engaged), feeling the painful emotions with each gut-wrenching trigger, unable to trust yourself and others, along with other common symptoms. Then, with all of that, you’re trying to do all you have to do while being extremely exhausted, filled with sadness, confusion and pain.

Is it any wonder why it seems so hard to get through your day?

An unhealed betrayal follows us around like a shadow. Not long ago I did a PhD study on betrayal (what holds us back, what helps us heal and what happens to us physically, mentally and emotionally when the people closest to us lie, cheat and deceive). There were three exciting discoveries made and one thing we also noticed was that there’s a big misconception. We’ve been taught: “Time heals all wounds.” That’s not true.

Within one year we’ve had over 4,000 people of all ages and from so many countries take the quiz. There’s a question that reads: “Is there anything you’d like to share?” Besides reading about the heartbreak, the pain, the physical, mental and emotional symptoms left in the wake of this type of crisis, people leave comments like: “My betrayal happened 35 years ago, I’m unwilling to trust again.” My betrayal happened 40 years ago, I can still feel the hate.” “My betrayal happened 15 years ago. I feel gutted.”

We’ve seen first hand that betrayal doesn’t just heal over time. And, it’s even harder for us to heal if we try to “not think about it”, “get over it” or “let it go” without doing the work to heal. Not addressing your betrayal and doing the work to heal it is a guarantee it’s still playing out on a subconscious level, impacting your relationships, your health and your work. The frustrating part about that is that you’re working so hard but the betrayal is affecting your thoughts, behaviors and actions without your conscious awareness so even though you’re working so hard and doing all you do within your day, you don’t have the same advantage as someone who’s cleaned and cleared up what their betrayal left in its wake.

Here’s an analogy.

Imagine you have a big bucket you’re filling with water. You’re filling it but you just can’t seem to get the bucket filled. You’re frustrated because you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to in order to fill the bucket with water. You’re looking around at other people and they just seem to add the water to the bucket and it fills. Well, that’s what you’re doing so why is it so hard for you?

When you stop and take a look, you notice that there are holes in the bottom of your bucket. No wonder it wasn’t filling! Regardless of how much effort you use, that bucket just can’t get filled because you don’t have the foundation you need to support it.

Healing from betrayal first involves having the right foundation in place to begin your healing. In other words, you need to start plugging up those holes in your foundation. For some it means the right support from someone they can trust. For others, it means space to consider what’s in their best interest-without the judgment, fear or input from others who may have their own agenda. Still for others, it means building or rebuilding a spiritual connection in order to begin to rebuild the sense of trust which was destroyed in either a series of “death by a thousand cuts” or in one painful discovery.

What’s worked for you? What practices, strategies, tools and exercises helped you? We’d love to know, comment and share!

Dr. Debi

Founder, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute