Anxiety…. not everyone suffers from it. Yes, we all experience it in one way or another. it’s a very broad term. It’s used as a catch-all phrase that encompasses any feelings of nervousness, excitement, insecurity, or uneasiness. But suffering with regular anxiety is completely different. I honestly thought everyone had a problem with daily anxiety, until I started talking about it. It’s not something everyone struggles with.

The anxiety I’m talking about is a low to medium grade of daily anxiety that affects everything you do. Where you spend most of your day dealing with it in one form or another, whether you know it or not. In your mind, you are probably using your rituals of soothing self-talk, critical self-talk, avoidance, list making, planning, or reasoning. Outwardly you have subtle nervous “habits” such as hand wringing, nail biting, leg/knee bouncing, hair or face touching, flexed/tensed muscles, constant motion/busyness, most of which you are completely unaware that you are doing. It’s exhausting, really.

The way I see it, one part of anxiety is an attempt at control. When it comes down to it, control is a driving force in everyone. We all deal with it differently, whether it’s perfectionism, bossiness, eating disorders, gossip, possessiveness, etc. We ALL struggle with the need to control our worlds and to know what to expect. People with anxiety use anxiety to “control” a situation with worry, worst case scenario processing, etc. For me, anxiety is a very uncomfortable comfort. I know it well. It’s an addiction. I hate it but I KNOW it. I know how it feels. I often unconsciously seek out that feeling in the pit of my stomach when everything is fine. It’s been there for so long, I feel weird without it.

And sometimes worrying for someone else is the only control I have in their situation. When my brother had prostate cancer, I couldn’t do anything for him. Nothing. I couldn’t educate him any more than he already was. I couldn’t fix it, I couldn’t take it away, I couldn’t DO anything. That hurt so bad. My brother is my hero. Period. And here, not only could I not help him, I couldn’t help ME! What would I do without him? So, worry was my way of not only having some control, but my way of feeling I was DOING something… something to show I loved him. At least if I worried, it would show that I loved him. That’s all I could do for him. Made sense to me somewhere in my mind. Would I want someone to worry for me to show me they loved me? Absolutely not! I love them too much to want them to worry. But it’s the only thing I knew how to DO (control).

Even as I write this, I get that all-too-familiar lump in my throat. That’s anxiety rearing its ugly head. Why am I anxious writing this article? I wasn’t anxious when I started and now I’m worried I will get anxious. It’s not my favorite subject to talk about because I spend most of my time trying not to think about it or trying to shove it down. Another attempt at control. It’s actually become my superstition. Using anxiety, or the attempt to control it, to keep myself from getting it. I have to smile at myself for this, it just doesn’t make sense.

So, why am I writing this article if I haven’t completely conquered anxiety? Because I’m tired of holding all of this in and keeping it to myself. When I was a kid, after every nightmare, my Mom used to make me tell her about it. She said if I talked about it, then it wouldn’t be so scary anymore. She was absolutely right. We all fight that beast inside that really isn’t a beast at all. In isolation, everything is bigger, scarier, darker, uglier and meaner. We need to know that what we think doesn’t isolate us, or make us scary, weird, unworthy, uncontrollable, or a beast. It makes us real live humans who believe wrong things. And sometimes it helps to look at anxiety in different ways. Did you know you were addicted to it? It’s a coping tool, like smoking, eating, drinking, etc.

Let’s do this together, ok? Share our experiences. I get so tired of doing this alone. And I’m guessing you do too. I love you all! Those with this problem and those of you have enough love in your hearts to care about this for someone you love. Thanks Mom for being that person for me. You don’t understand from experience, you understand from love.