My name is Elizabeth. I am an addict in recovery. In discovery, really. My addictive behavior ranged all over the map, covering anything that helped me divert, distract, avoid, numb, push through, deny…whatever it took to not feel the moment I was in. I just had such a hard time accepting life the way I perceived it. I felt shame on so many levels. And I felt powerless, not seen or heard, certainly not valued for who I truly was, and I sure didn’t feel worthy. Why would I even want to participate in such a life? So I escaped the best I could. In many ways, I could not escape. I did not see that ultimately I had the key to the prison I was in.
When I left treatment, my doctor said to me, “Elizabeth – you are not just an addict in recovery. You are also a recovering chronic pain patient. They’re different. Make sure you take care of both of them.” I have spent the last three years (and a little change) working with both of these and learning the difference between the two. I believe they are fundamentally linked.
The Recovery 2.0 working definition for addiction is “any behavior that you continue to do despite the fact that it brings negative consequences into your life”. Please note that this definition says nothing about awareness. From this definition, I have come to the realization that I could easily be called a “chronic pain addict”. Pushing through life is a behavior that I did, and to this day continue to have to practice holding in check, that had negative consequences on my life. All of those other behaviors I used to engage in just to ‘deal with’ life — they were all adaptive behaviors to stress, but knocked me right down into the hell of a long cycle of chronic pain. I was unaware for the longest time that these behaviors were ones I continued to do despite the fact that they had negative consequences on my life. These avoidance behaviors may have gotten me through the moment, helped me survive the moment, but they never helped me to resolve the cause that lay underneath all of the avoidance behaviors.
Well, enough. I finally found the key to unlocking the door to the prison I found myself in – no longer will I look away. For the last three years I have been on a long journey inward. The final frontier. The great undiscovered country of Elizabeth K. Herein lies the wherewithal to resolve the longstanding issues that I tried to avoid pretty much at all costs and refused to resolve. In many instances I had no clue that I could even resolve them or that resolution would help set me free from my suffering. I looked to see where my shame was hiding…in any color and shade. I came to grips with it, rose myself up from those depths through shining so much illumination on it. I shifted my perspective. Things happen for me, not to me. My value lies within my truth, my sat nam. I matter, regardless of what others may or may not believe. I choose to face, look deeply within, and discover all that there is to Elizabeth. No matter what. I do this gratefully with the elucidation of my Higher Power and with the guidance and support of others who have been on their own journey of discovery and know the way.
#Recovery #SatNam #BlessedBe #TheFinalFrontier #JourneyOfDiscovery #LivingBeyondChronicPain #UnleashYourHealingPower #kippnitreal